Bipolar disorder: my story
On March 30th we observed World Bipolar Day. That’s also the birthday of Vincent Van Gogh, who was posthumously diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I believe that visibility and representation is important, and for me as someone who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder over 2 years ago, learning about others with the same condition has been huge for my recovery and acceptance around this topic. I thought that to mark this day, I’d like to share few insights from my personal experience that I hope will help normalize the illness and hopefully be of support to those who might be going through similar things themselves or are dealing with mental illness in general.
What lead to my diagnosis?
At the age of 26 I experienced my first psychotic episode. It was what’s called a “mixed episode” meaning that I was alternating between states of mania and depression within the span of sometimes minutes for about a week. It was an experience that was very exhausting physically and mentally. Being in a state of psychosis meant that I was having delusions and my experience of reality was very different than of those around me. During mania I was experiencing feelings of grandiosity, I felt that I was having a “spiritual awakening” during which I was called by the “higher power” to save the planet. I believed that I was in direct contact with “God” and I was on a secret mission to save humanity. When I switched to depression I felt that everything was lost, I could not find a single positive spark in me, I believed that I was about to die and was feeling an absolute physical exhaustion. At one point I believed that I had died and was a ghost and others around me couldn’t see me. During that time I ended up in Emergency Room and was diagnosed with sleep deprivation. It was the first time that I experienced something like this and I believe that at that time the doctors didn’t have enough to go by to diagnose the illness. Bipolar can manifest in many different ways and can sometimes be very tricky to diagnose.
After this experience, I was put on medication to quiet my mind for 4 weeks and was able to quickly recover from the episode. My mind could not comprehend what had happened to me and at some level, I still believed that I had a spiritual experience for the next few years that followed.
During the next few years I didn’t experience psychosis, but was dipping in and out of depression at various stages of my life. At the time, I believed that I was simply “depressed”. Especially, because I was not experiencing mania. On one hand I’m grateful that I wasn’t manic, but on the other, I believe that the lack of manic episodes delayed my diagnosis of bipolar. I think bipolar can often be misdiagnosed as depression, as being bipolar doesn’t necessarily mean that you experience manic episodes as well the depressive ones. Some people get mostly manic or mostly depressed. For some it’s mixed. For me I was experiencing depression only and mania came in only during my psychosis.
In 2021 (5 years after my first episode) I experienced my second psychotic episode. In the months leading up to it I was experiencing prolonged depressive episodes and would get in and out of them at what It felt at the time — random. These states would come and go at different times and there didn’t seem to be a rule to when they would come or go. During this time I was regularly seeing a therapist, but again, I was only diagnosed with being depressed, as that’s what was my main symptom at the time. Eventually, within the span of few days I transitioned from being “depressed” to being acutely suicidal and believed that the only way to end my suffering was to end it all. Luckily, during that time, deep inside I felt that something was very wrong and I needed to see a doctor and didn’t act on my thoughts.
I was admitted to a psychiatric unit, where I stayed for 3 weeks. I don’t remember anything from my first week there. I have memories from my second week — at the time I was in a state of psychosis and believed that all the doctors and nurses working in the hospital were actors that were hired by someone and were secretly conspiring against me. I didn’t trust anyone, even some of my closest family and friends. Although being in the hospital was a pivotal point in my life as that’s when I was diagnosed with bipolar and eventually got better, I remember my time there as one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. My mind was having a very hard time trying to make sense of what was happening and being surrounded by various degrees of mental illness from others on the ward only added to the confusion that was reinforced by my psychosis.
After 3 weeks on the ward I finally reached a state where it was safe for me to go home. Leading up to this point I was seeing a psychiatrist every day in the hospital and was medicated with a high dose of antipsychotic and mood stabilizing medication.
The first few months after leaving the hospital were the hardest. I went through different stages of grief, fear and anger until I finally accepted my diagnosis and was able to slowly move forward.
What was helpful in my recovery?
Support from people around me
The biggest thing for me at the time was support and care received from my loved ones and friends around me. My partner at the time was incredible at being there for me and providing emotional support that was so needed. I had many friends and family members reaching out to me and checking in daily. Those conversations and times together with them were priceless and I can’t imagine what my journey would be like without them.
Education
Immediately after leaving the hospital I started attending bipolar education groups and was in contact with other peers who were also diagnosed with bipolar. Learning about the illness and other people’s experiences was key in how I processed my diagnosis and how I was eventually able to accept it. Learning allowed me to dismantle any preconceptions or false ideas I had about what bipolar is. Being faced with facts, studies and many conversations with psychiatrists and specialists from the bipolar field helped me have a better understanding of the illness and see it as something that can be managed.
Medication
Prior to my diagnosis I was never on any medication for mental illness or depression and was always very scared to take them. I’ve heard many horror stories of meds turning people into “zombies” and had a very negative attitude towards them. My journey with medication wasn’t easy. It took me almost 2 years to find the right medication and the right dose. At the beginning I was definitely overmedicated, but with the help of a great doctor we were able to eventually find the right medication and adjust the dose. I am now on a mood stabilizer that helps manage my depression and this has increased my quality of life greatly. I am very grateful for this. Since my diagnosis in 2021 I have been stable.
Therapy
Being able to see my therapist on a weekly basis helps me with processing feelings, emotions and ultimately understanding myself better. I’ve had to work through a lot of trauma caused by the past which can have a direct effect on mental illness. Through my doctor I’ve learned that processing and releasing trauma can have direct effect on how bipolar disorder can manifest in your life. Releasing trauma impacts your nervous system which in turn can lessen symptoms of bipolar disorder. Wild!
Representation
I think that society can have very skewed ideas of what mental illness is. Learning about other people’s journeys with bipolar allowed me to have hope and demystify some of the legends surrounding the illness. Over the past few years we’ve seen more and more celebrities and public people opening up about having bipolar disorder. Some of the people that I look up to (specifically in the context of their journey with bipolar) include David LaChapelle, Selena Gomez, Halsey, Stephen Fry. For me, their stories prove that you can have bipolar, be successful in their career and have fulfilling lives.
Sleep hygiene & healthy eating
At the beginning these things didn’t seem important to me, however with time I’ve learned that having good sleeping and eating habits has a direct impact on my daily mood and as a result can also directly impact my depressive episodes. Now I make sure that I get at least 8 hours of sleep every night and have regular meals throughout the day.
Final thoughts
I think it’s important to highlight that I am simply sharing my own experience of living with bipolar disorder that is unique to me. I’ve met people who also have bipolar and their symptoms and journeys vary greatly from mine. Their experiences will be unique to them and their life circumstances. Additionally, my words are not intended to be a substitute for professional mental health advice. If you’re struggling with mental health please reach out to a mental health professional 💛
